What to Expect in Your First Spiritual Direction Session

Meeting with a spiritual director for the first time can sometimes feel like a first date. It can inspire excitement, anticipating the beginning of something new. At the same time, there can be nervous anxiousness. Will this work? What if it's a waste of time?

The good news is that reaching out to someone to talk about how God might be at work inside you is never a waste of time. You may be exploring new habits for your ongoing soul care. Or you might find yourself in a season of feeling stuck and wondering why all the things that used to work don't work anymore. It takes courage to reach out the first time.

When my kids were toddlers, we did a lot of simple jigsaw puzzles. There was some teaching that went on then, some work about processes. First, you turn over all the pieces. Next, you look for your corners. Then, you start sorting out all the edges and looking for pieces with the same colors. You don't rush it. You don't go mashing pieces together just to make them fit. You go slow.

This is not unlike what spiritual direction feels like. The first few times together can be a lot like dumping all the pieces on the table, spreading them out, and sorting them out by edges and patterns. "Are you sure we got all of them?" And then we're patient as we look them all over.

Every spiritual director is going to be a little bit different in their approach during an initial consultation. Here are a few of the questions that guide my own process. These are the big puzzle pieces that I look for the first time we meet. These are the corners and edges of your jigsaw puzzle that I have my eye out for.

Briefly describe your spiritual journey.

Tell me your God story—not every detail. I want to hear the significant moments, those significant spiritual experiences that have given shape to your life with God. When did you first discover God? What language do you use (or avoid using) when talking about your spiritual life? When have you felt near and far from God? How have you listened to God throughout your life?

Your story is sacred space. When you meet a director for the first time, you're dropping them right into the middle of the story. It's helpful to provide as much context as is relevant and appropriate. You are the host of your journey. What happens in the next chapter depends upon what's been happening in all the previous chapters. A director needs some orientation.

Have you experienced spiritual direction in the past? If so, what was it like for you?

Is this your very first time reaching out about spiritual direction? Do you need some help with definitions, expectations, and boundaries? Have you been doing this for years with another director? Have you tried with other directors and never found a good fit?

If you're new, what prompts starting now? If you've done this before, what have you found most beneficial? What makes a "good fit" or "bad fit" for you? It's important to get as many expectations out in the open as possible.

What are you currently hoping for in meeting with a director?

A friend once related to me that his director told him when meeting for the first time, "I really only know one question. And that's the one Jesus asked blind Bartimaeus—What do you want Jesus to do for you right now?"

For you, what is spiritual direction for? What are you hungry for? What do you want from God right now? What ache feels most raw right now? What invitation from God needs your response? These are all things you need to say out loud for your own sake, but also to clearly communicate with your potential director so that both of you are on the same page.

What spiritual practices do you find most meaningful?

From our first experiences with God, we're taught to do things. Depending on your denomination and tradition, these probably include a vast array of spiritual disciplines like participating in a church community, Bible study, prayer, and service. At their very best, they become habits that shape us over time to love like God loves. But we can also fall into the routine of allowing them to become outward distractions for actually avoiding God. Or we use them transactionally to get God's attention.

It's quite normal to find that what was exceedingly meaningful at one time in your life with God doesn't connect with you in a later season. Given our tradition and our personality, we can be very familiar with some practices while missing others. It's helpful to name for your director what you've experienced and what you've expected to work and not work.

What are the most significant relationships in your life (e.g., partner, kids, etc.)?

None of us is an island. How we experience God is greatly influenced by the people we hold closest to us. It might be a circle of close friends who know us well. It might be those in our household like our spouse and children or roommates. It might include parents and siblings. This isn't meant to be an exhaustive list of every relationship you have, but rather those closest to you whose very presence gives shape to your spiritual life.

It's important for your director to understand your relational context. Especially when I work with pastors, I look for how the experience of parenting and marriage is an initial edge of experiencing God.

What church community have you most recently been a part of? What has that looked like? Positive? Painful? Complicated?

Our spiritual life happens in community. It's often the best and worst part of our experience in the Christian life. Community can be a deep unmet longing. For some of us, we fall somewhere on the spectrum of church being disappointing to church being traumatizing. And for others, church has been the only safe space you’ve known.

Belonging to a church is not a prerequisite for meeting with a spiritual director. Our relationship with church is fertile ground to cover with a spiritual director because of the ways we often enmesh our experience with church with our experience with God.

It may be that you just moved to a new place and aren’t yet connected with a church. It may be that you’ve been happily connected with your church for 30 years or more. It may be you’ve drifted in and out of churches and never really settled down. It may be the season of the pandemic broke something in you related to church. All of these are okay. That’s your journey right now.

What self-assessments or personality tests have you taken and what have been the results?

Our self-awareness is another place for deep conversation with a spiritual director. Your experience with tools like the Enneagram, Myers-Briggs, Strengths Finders and others is useful for your potential director to know. A good director will explore this with you. These aren’t to put you in a box or label you. There is no online test that knows you and none of them are necessary to experience God. A good director, though, can help guide your curiosity through these tools if you wish.

How aware are you of some of the default ways you reach out to connect with God and others and that you react to God and others? How aware are you of the "emotional wake" you leave behind with others? These are some of the questions these tools help with.

What questions do you have about spiritual direction?

In one way, a first spiritual direction meeting is a lot like a job interview and you’re the one doing the interviewing. Thus far, I’ve shared questions I typically ask, but in a first meeting, the directee should have ample space to ask questions. And there are no stupid questions.

All of the questions listed above are fair game to ask a director: Whose sheep are you? Are you connected to a church? Do you meet with a director? What do you get out of this?

You want to be clear on expectations for all of the why’s, and you also want to be clear on the how’s, the housekeeping, practical things like scheduling and payment and how often to meet and where. There may also be theological issues that are important to you and that you want to be sure you share. Three commitments I always communicate to new directees are my confidentiality, my presence, and my prayers.

You want to walk away from your first session knowing that this director is someone who is trustworthy, who is safe, and who is someone you feel can help you on your journey. That’s your task in a first meeting. What I want to have accomplished in a first session is that you have everything you need to know if this is a good fit for meeting again.

If you’re ready to set up a first session, you can fill out this contact form or visit Grafted Life Ministries to explore options in your area.