Using the Enneagram in Marriage

I want to be a great husband to my wife. I want a great marriage. But I have a problem. As Thomas Merton puts it in New Seeds of Contemplation, “Every one of us is shadowed by an illusory person: a false self.” When it comes to shining the light on your false self, the Enneagram is a great tool for pulling it out of the shadows. And marriage, in particular, is a crucial arena where doing this messy work is essential. If we want healthy, peaceful, thriving marriages, we need to be bringing our authentic selves forward.

I’ve had the great privilege to officiate quite a few weddings. One thing I always hope to communicate to the bride and groom is you have no idea what you’re getting into when you stand at the altar and say those vows. No clue. But as you go down the road some distance on this journey of marriage, the Enneagram proves useful for unpacking some of the baggage you’ve brought with you.

In Braving the Wilderness, Brene Brown writes, “True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”

My family is the first place where I look for belonging. They’re my tribe. My belonging with these people requires me to do the hard work of bringing my authentic self forward and reject the charade that is my false self. The Enneagram provides nine different ways of unmasking your false self and making marriage better.

Anytime we experience a breakdown in a relationship, conflict with your spouse, the Enneagram can help us identify the ways that we’re complicit in the breakdown. Each of the types has unique “self-destruct” buttons that the false self can’t help but press and press and press again. All communication breakdown is two-way, so it’s crucial that we learn to name the ways we’re culpable in the mess.

And then what do you do when you discover two false selves fell in love with each other, you added a couple kids to the mix, and then you finally start waking up to all this?

Here are ways that each type brings gifts and exhibits blindspots into marriage.

Type 1

Ones reflect the goodness and rightness of God. They’ve motivated by a need to be good and have integrity. As a spouse, the gift they bring in marriage is a deep commitment to principles and standards. They bring a strong moral compass to the relationship. But a blindspot they may also bring is an “inner critic” that may leak out and start judging the spouse as well. When this happens, it’s helpful for both parties to remember that inner critics are liars.

Type 2

Twos reflect the love and nurture of God. They’re driven to the need to feel they are loved. As a spouse, they bring genuine emotional connection to the marriage. Their empathy for their partner knows no bounds. But a blindspot can be keeping score in the relationship, needing every little sacrifice to be validated. When you find yourself keeping score, own it. Apologize. Communicate your need to be seen. Wipe the slate clean.

Type 3

Threes exhibit the confident productivity of God. They’re driven by the need to feel valuable. As a spouse, Threes provide inspiration and imagination in the relationship. They get stuff done and make things happen. But a blindspot for Threes can be getting lost in the tasks and the work, forgetting the emotional connection of the relationship. When you find yourself here, take some time to simply be one another. Remember that relationships take being together, not just doing things together.

Type 4

Fours reflect the creativity and depth of God. They’re motivated by the need to be authentically themselves. As a spouse, they bring the gift of being unique and interesting to the marriage.Their one-of-a-kind imagination is always finding new ways to explore the world. But a blindspot a Four may bring is moodiness, a never-ending discontent, or a flighty wanderlust. If you catch yourself in this space, practice the skill of listening for your partner’s emotions rather than first expressing your own.

Type 5

Fives reflect the wisdom and truth of God. Fives are driven by the need to be competent. As a spouse, a Five brings the gift of being visionary and putting together “the big picture.” They know how everything in the household connects together. There’s always a plan. But a blindspot a Five may have is being blissfully unaware of their emotional availability. If you find yourself slipping into this habit, make intentional time to emotionally connect with your partner. Get out of your head and engage your heart.

Type 6

Sixes reflect the faithfulness and courage of God. They are motivated by the need to have support and guidance. As a spouse, the gift a Six brings in marriage is deep commitment and devotion. The word “quit” doesn’t exist in your vocabulary. A Six’s superpower is loyalty. The blindspot that a Six also may bring is the constant running of worst-case scenarios. If you find yourself caught in such an anxiety-producing loop, invite your partner to help you with a gratitude list.

Type 7

Sevens reflect the joy and abundance of God. They are driven by a need to feel satisfied. The gift that a Seven brings to marriage is a sense of fun, spontaneity, and laughter. There’s always a joke, a wink, and a smile. A Seven injects never-ending adventure into the relationship. But the blindspot of a Seven can be the avoidance of depth, especially uncomfortable truths or painful situations. If you find yourself avoiding what needs to be dealt with or flirting with the temptation to greener grass, slow down and remember that there’s more to life than an accumulation of experiences. Simply be with your partner in the here and now. It doesn’t have to be boring to have a plan.

Type 8

Eights reflect the power and protection of God. They are motivated by the need to protect themselves. In marriage, Eights bring the gift of transparency in conflict. There are no games as an Eight. What you see is what you get. No hiding, no guessing. Eights fight to protect those they love. But the blindspot of an Eight is when that power is exercised out of self-protection. An Eight can dominate their partner and bully without thinking. For an Eight, marriage is a laboratory for learning vulnerability. Let go of the struggle and allow yourself to find a safe space in your partner.

Type 9

Nines reflect the peace and oneness of God. They are driven by the need for peace of mind and wholeness. As a spouse, they can bring the gift of genuine solidarity. “I get you,” is the mantra of the healthy Nine. A Nine truly makes their partner feel understood. But the blindspot of the Nine is being absent mentally and emotionally. A Nine can respond to the complexities of marriage by hiding away and withdrawing. If you catch yourself in the habit of avoiding, find a way to articulate your own desires and dreams. The fear of upsetting or inconveniencing your partner is usually just in your head. They’re probably ready and waiting to hear what you want.

When it comes to the Enneagram and relationships, there are no ideal pairings. Any two types can have a great, thriving relationship when each partner is doing the work to be the best people they can be. Any two types can drive each other nuts when they get stuck in their self-destructive false selves.

Merton continues his thought on the two selves when he writes, “The secret of my identity is hidden in the love and mercy of God.” Find God, and you find yourself, and you make your marriage a more happy, peaceful place of belonging.